Friday, June 09, 2006
Teenage Song
Like yeh yeh yeh
Like nuh nah no
Like - duhh! Like, unh!
Like errr….dunno.
Like a bolt of light
Like stormy weather
Like - djanowamean?
Like…. Wha’ever.
Like nuh nah no
Like - duhh! Like, unh!
Like errr….dunno.
Like a bolt of light
Like stormy weather
Like - djanowamean?
Like…. Wha’ever.
WE TWO BOYS
WE TWO BOYS was first performed by Bogus Theatre Company at the Leadmill, Sheffield and Celtic Lodge, Edinburgh, in August 1983, with the following cast:
BILLY Stuart Golland
WILLIAM Christopher Wilkinson
Directed by Jane Collins
Stage managed by Fran O’Shea
WE TWO BOYS was performed by Grapple & Graft Theatre Company at The Nuffield, Southampton and The Finborough Arms and The New End, London, in June 1984. It won the George Orwell Memorial Award in 1984
ACT ONE
MUSIC: ‘THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN’ BY THIN LIZZY.
BLACKOUT. LIGHTS FADE UP ON BILLY AND WILLIAM INTENT ON A GAME OF POKER. THEY SIT ON WOODEN BLOCKS EITHER SIDE OF A TABLE CENTRE STAGE. THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH A TABLECLOTH ON WHICH STANDS TWO COKE CANS, A TOBACCO TIN THEY USE AS AN ASHTRAY, CARDS AND MATCHES WHICH THEY BET WITH. THEY SHARE A CIGARETTE.
BILLY IS STOCKY AND WEARS A STRIPED RUGBY SHIRT AND JEANS. WILLIAM IS SKINNY AND BESPECTACLED, WEARS A BOW TIE AND BLAZER.
MUSIC FADES.
BILLY WINS THE GAME AND LAUGHS, TRIUMPHANT. WILLIAM SULKS. THEY GROW FIDGETY, LOOKING FOR NEW ENTERTAINMENT.
BILLY: See last night’s conflict, William? What a performance, eh? That had me gnashing, I can tell you!
WILLIAM: Oh sensational. That young chappy gave it some bottle.
BILLY: Norrarf, and when Jenkins scorched in off the back end…
WILLIAM: Marvellous!
BILLY: Thumping stuff!
WILLIAM: Quite so.
(PAUSE)
WILLIAM: Did you catch that end bit?
BILLY: Sorry?
WILLIAM: The end bit – when Chalkie dribbled off and the Boss called for a chuck up?
BILLY: Well – good on him!
WILLIAM: But Billy, it was a blinder.
BILLY: I saw it with my own two eyes, old boot.
(HE POINTS OUT THE PLAYERS’ POSITIONS WITH THE CANS ON THE TABLE.)
Chalkie here, right?
WILLIAM: Right.
BILLY: Jefferson foreshadowing, right?
WILLIAM: Right.
BILLY:` And then up comes Chalkie from the left hand and stuffs in the old two/four like a sodding geranium!
WILLIAM: Not at all, it was simply a classic example of the double lined blinder.
BILLY: Like a sodding geranium!
(PAUSE)
BILLY: What’s to do then, eh?
(WILLIAM STARTS GIGGLING).
WILLIAM: Oh I say!
BILLY: What? What??
WILLIAM: Hey – let’s wag off round the bog and prank, eh?
BILLY: Nah.
WILLIAM: Snoop on Old Baldy and fiddle the bits. Give Minor a wigging… you know, Billy: do naughties.
BILLY: Tear the legs off sissies? Drink piss? Rip Sally’s skirt and pinch her whoppers? Go sniffing knickers and gob on policemen!
WILLIAM: Scratch our knees knicking sticks from the tuckshop – you know the stuff.
BILLY: (STANDING). I’m tops though, sunbeam.
WILLIAM: Why?
BILLY: I’m tops because I eat bricks.
WILLIAM: I’m the hugest because my Daddy’s loaded.
BILLY: I’m the hugest because I’ve got hairs and no returns or else I’ll thump you.
WILLIAM: Bullying scruffbag!
BILLY: Wet! You shitty pisshole!
WILLIAM: You blob! You grotty scumball!
BILLY: Come here and say that.
WILLIAM: Shan’t.
BILLY: Come here.
WILLIAM: Won’t.
BILLY: Come!
WILLIAM: Oh dear. I cringe and suck thumb now, blink slow through teary eyes. Oh mum, what horrors. This big strong boy’s come to batter me cruelly.
BILLY: Hey, Snotty.
WILLIAM: Who me, sir?
BILLY: I gob on you, wimp features. My dad beat me black and blue and I never reddened. I didn’t whimper or widdle once. Me? I’m tough and resentful – my uncle’s a pirate. Come here, snot, or I’ll thump you!
(WILLIAM JUMPS UP ONTO THE BLOCK HE WAS SITTING ON)
WILLIAM: Policemen! Mummy! Billy is roughing and summoned the scaredycats – come quick please and tell him!
BILLY: I’m coming to get you, pipsqueak. Stenguns and jackboots, flick knives and pulpfaces! (HE PUTS HIS FISTS UP READY TO STRIKE). Cop this, blub arse!
WILLIAM: I’ll give you, Billy.
BILLY: Give me what exactly?
WILLIAM: Oh… things.
BILLY: Tell me what or I’ll thump you.
WILLIAM: (PRODUCING A BAG FROM HIS POCKET) Look – in this scrumpled up bag.
BILLY: Ooh! Ah – well… cleverclogs, eh? Poshoes and flash ones – I see. Gimme ‘em, you squirt.
WILLIAM: Shan’t.
BILLY: Gimme.
WILLIAM: Won’t.
BILLY: Gimme!
WILLIAM: Can’t. I promise. Blood honour. These are the winnings of Daddykins, his big ones. But look here, Billy, if you should tow my line…
BILLY: Now watch it, Wimpo; I’m big as shit.
WILLIAM: And I’m bright as a knife and wealthy with it. You thump and I’ll cut you. Deep. Gab on you venomous, you see?
(HE STEPS OFF THE BLOCK AND CROSSES TO SIT ON THE OTHER ONE, PRODUCING A PEA SHOOTER FROM HIS POCKET AS HE DOES SO.)
Pax, old chap?
(HE SHOOTS A PEA AT BILLY).
BILLY: Hmm… well… call it a truce. Uneasy peace. (HE SITS) Hey – we’ll truant right, and go laddoes!
WILLIAM: Now that’s more like it. Splice the batttlecry. Chunder forth.
BILLY: Two together, tough and sparkling.
BILLY & WILLIAM (LEAPING UP TO FACE THE AUDIENCE):
Up and at ‘em!
WILLIAM: Absolutely. Decked out in finery, a valiant package, harry the ranks with spear and sword.
BILLY: Come on, cock – let’s swagger.
(THEY MARCH TOGETHER AROUND THE STAGE, BILLY LEADING, WILLIAM COPYING HIS MOVEMENTS.)
BILLY: All right, Blossom?
WILLIAM: All right, Bruiser. Two together: him and me.
BILLY: Me and him. The two of us, Take no lip. We are the Champions. Right, wimpo?
WILLIAM: Right, Brickhead.
(BILLY OBJECTS TO THAT TITLE SO TURNS AND TRIPS HIM. WILLIAM FALLS.)
BILLY: Watch it, Squire.
WILLIAM: (PICKING HIMSELF UP AGAIN). You and me, Billy. What a team.
BILLY: You bet.
(THEY STAND AT THE FRONT OF THE STAFE LOOKING OUT).
BILLY: So, where’s the strife? Some spastic to pulp up, or a gypowog to claw some and slit eye…
WILLIAM: Billy – how rotterish!
BILLY: All right then, some posh arsed git to plunder if that’s more deserving.
WILLIAM: No, no – let’s play a game, we two; make epic together, intrepid and suspenceful.
BILLY: Cops and Victims and bags be cops: count to three and I’ll pan yer head in.
WILLIAM: Billy, no! A grander game this one: yes, a journey of unravelment. We’ll need our wits about us.
BILLY: Let’s play Napalm again and you be the carnage.
WILLIAM: No, no – we can further that for sure, two neat young sparks like us. Look ceilingwards, old fruit. What gloriousness awaits us once we’ve grasped the clues. This room’s a ruddy oyster; with your grit, my smoothtalk iced around it..
BILLY: You’re cracked, old nut. Can’t see a monkey’s flaming armpit.
WILLIAM: Look – I’ll show you. (HE MAPS OUT THEIR JOURNEY USING THE OBJECTS ON THE TABLE). We are here, right?
BILLY: Right if you say so.
WILLIAM: Believe me that we are. We’ll need to journey first through these.. fiddly bits. Like this.
BILLY: I see. (HE DOESN’T)
WILLIAM: At this point here we broaden out to encompass enemy lines along Parameter B, thus. You follow?
BILLY: Sure. But then what?
WILLIAM: Um, then… a city! Yes, of course.
BILLY: Why a city then? Why there?
WILLIAM: The significance of this is highly Top Secret and relevant. Here we must pretend… (HE’S FLOUNDERING NOW AS BILLY REALISES).
BILLY: Pretend what?
WILLIAM: Complicated things – you’ll see.
BILLY: And if we don’t, then what?
WILLIAM: We’ll get got, by hovering splats and suchlike.
BILLY: So what about this pretending lark?
WILLIAM: You be a rock and I’ll go frilly. That’s it. I’ll keep house. Thus at least some part will be revealed. And… then the word. And then the chase. And then we get there.
BILLY: Where?
WILLIAM: The Goal, of course. Where everything’s made plain and we get given everything.
BILLY: What – like striped paint, and X-ray specs to see through walls and..
WILLIAM: All that and more, Billy. Doubloons and crocks and.. (HE PICKS UP THE TABLE CLOTH AND CARESSES IT TENDERLY) the Damsel of course, distressed no longer once we’ve shown up to brighten her. She’ll love us as at a glance.
BILLY: Ugh!
WILLIAM: She’ll love us wonderfully though, like you can’t quite imagine quite.
BILLY: Hmmf!
WILLIAM: (DROPPING THE CLOTH) Oh – but before that… just here in fact: The Threat! Of course. But that’s unspeakable. We’ll need to conquer that to reach the end. You’ll like that bit.
BILLY: You’ve got me blind still, Softy. I’m jiggered if I can grasp it.
WILLIAM: But that’s to be expected. Simply a matter of innate lack of suss.
BILLY: You what?
WILLIAM: Don’t worry it. Look - crouch down. (BILLY CROUCHES) I’ll simply ride aloft your shoulderhood awhile and show the way. You’ll get the hang. (WILLIAM SITS ON HIS SHOULDERS.) Trust me Billy, my word is writ in adamant. Come now, Sir Billy, arise.
(BILLY STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET WITH WILLIAM ON HIS SHOULDERS.)
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